The Prince and The Pauper
by MorganOfTheFey
Summary: In which Loki and The Joker conspire together to win the affections of their caped crusaders. "The God of Chaos and The Joker walk into a bar, and the bartender...well, he uh...he SAYS, 'Ow, stop stabbing me'"


"The God of Chaos and The Joker walk into a bar. And the bartender...well, he uh...he _says 'Ow, stop stabbing me!'"_

Loki didn't look up from his drink.

"'Why are you doing this to _meeeee_?' Ah, you know the lines. Always the same."

Loki still refused to give the Crime Lord the attention he so craved. That didn't deter the other man in the slightest though, who slid onto the bar stool next to him. The Azgardian did nothing, but The Joker spun around a few times like a hyper, psychotic toddler.

"Wheeeeeeee!" The Joker spun once more then slumped against the bar, leaning uncomfortably close to the god. "Hey, you wanna know how—"

"Nobody cares."

Joker paused for a moment, before continuing on regardless. "You see...my..._mother_...she doesn't like the way daddy dearest has been treating her. Real mean bastard, religious too. He doesn't allow...laugh_ter_...in the house. So one night, he goes to bed early but mommy stays up reading the funnies. And she acciden_**t**_...ally laughs. Daddy doesn't like that, no...not. One. Bi_**t**_. So he—"

"Beats her, she comes back while he's sleeping, wakes him up with the knife, why so serious, sees you at the doorway, why so serious, scars. No one cares." Loki repeated.

"So he beats her like an unwanted stepchild—oh! Sorry, no offense. Is that uh..." Joker leaned in even closer. "Is _that_ why you're here? No one cares about you either?"

Loki finally looked at the painted man. "I could kill you in ways even you couldn't enjoy."

"Ohhhh...promises." Joker gave an ecstatic shiver.

A man walked into the bar, did a double take between the blood splatters behind the counter and the two psychopaths on the other side, and immediately bolted back out. Neither of the two men moved, both too engrossed in their staring contest.

Without breaking eye contact, Joker reached out and put a hand on Loki's thigh. When the god didn't flinch or blink, the clown grinned even wider and moved his hand higher. Just when his hand was about to reach its goal, and his eyes were beginning to water from keeping them open for so long, Loki stood and grabbed him by the throat.

"How dare you presume, _mortal_. There is only one—" Loki shouted, before abruptly cutting himself off and dropping the clown in a heap at his feet.

The Joker lay on his back, with his hands folded at his chest and his feet crossed at the ankles as if he himself had deliberately chosen to be in that position.

"Oh, _really_? Only one gal for you, eh? Or is it..." The clown paused to lick his lips. "...is it only one _man_?"

"Silence."

Joker sighed. "Ah...I remember when Batsy used to say that to me. Say, is that why you're here too? Having _man_ troubles? I think we should make a book club or something. Or go out clubbing."

Loki opened his mouth to reprimand his unwanted companion again, but The Joker just talked over him.

"No, not baby seals. Another time perhaps. A _real_ club, you know, maybe try to get roofied." Joker broke off with a laugh. "Wouldn't that be a hoot!"

"You're too ugly to get roofied."

"We could rape the rapists! Wouldn't that be..." The clown let out another giggle. "Wouldn't that be _justice_?"

Loki flinched at the word, an act that didn't go unnoticed by The Joker.

"Oh, does _your_ man go on and on about that shit too? Does he not know that the people he tries oh so hard to save...they'd turn on him in an _instant_...the second it would be...ad...van..._ta_...geous." Joker hissed.

Loki swirled the green liquor in his glass and took another heavy swig. Joker pulled himself to his feet, grabbed the bottle, and poured himself a glass.

"Why I bet he doesn't even know that you're _his_ only one too. The only one who's ever truly loved him—in our own...ah..._special_...ways of course." Joker continued.

His drinking buddy did nothing more than drain his glass, so The Joker followed suit, chugging it all in one go. When he finished, he threw the glass down, breaking it at their feet.

Loki glared at the mess, then up at the madman cackling hysterically. Joker eventually calmed himself long enough to look at Loki with wide eyes.

"What?" He asked. "I _enjoyed_ that drink, and I just thought I'd have another."

Loki looked the clown up and down and sneered. "Control yourself."

Joker gasped, raising one gloved hand to his scarred lips as he faked shock.

"Control? _Control_? I am the Prince of Chaos, and I—"

"And _I _am the God." Loki hissed.

Joker clicked his tongue. "Tut tut. That's your problem, Frosty. You're too afraid to get a little..._messy_."

Loki glared back with disdain. "And _your_ problem is that you're too messy. You're so out of control, you've come full circle and gotten predictable."

"Pre..._dict_...able." The Joker drawled, rolling the word around with his tongue. "You know what's predictable?"

He took a deep breath, licked his lips, and pointed to the dead bartender. "That."

Loki's eyes followed his, and they both stared at the dead man before the madman took a seat on the bar stool next to him once more.

"Killing people." He leaned closer to the true prince. "_That_ is predictable."

"Are you saying we should...stop?" Loki asked, coolly meeting his gaze.

"What, no! That would be insane! I would never—alright yes, but only for a time." Joker admitted.

Loki scoffed and laughed, then poured himself another glass.

Joker leaned even closer, so they were almost touching. "Just ah...hear me out."

"You'll talk no matter what I say, won't you?" Loki asked.

"Yeah...that's uh...that's the type of person I am."

"Obnoxious?"

"I'm wounded. But seriously..."

Loki raised an eyebrow at the word choice, and The Joker dissolved into another fit of giggles.

"S-Seriously." Joker coughed and composed himself. "All we ever do is kill a couple of people, and hope it was dis_tur_bing enough for him to show and...oh, I don't know, pin you to a wall and _pound_ some sense into you?"

Joker waggled his eyebrows, but Loki's eyes narrowed at the innuendo.

"He's my brother."

"Baby, that just makes it hotter." Joker purred. "And anyway, I though_**t**_...it wasn't by blood. Why you're so pissy in the first place...?"

Loki just scowled and took another drink.

"But you see." Joker kept talking. "The uh...the very _definition_ of insanity is doing something over and over again, and expecting a different...resul_**t**_."

"And your brilliant plan is to just quit?"

The Joker looked up, left, right, then left again as if he were sharing a confidential secret and someone might overhear.

"Yes."

Loki stared at him incredulously as he threw back his head in a maniacal cackle.

"Has anyone ever told you that you laugh like a dying alley cat?" Loki asked him.

"Flattery." Joker gasped between giggles. "Hehe, but listen. We both want our caped crusaders to see the truth...to listen to reason."

"I'm the God of Lies, and you're insane."

The Joker shrugged. "Fucking ironic, ain't it?"

Loki stood. "If I ever wish to be thrown in an asylum or need to know which two colors would clash the most, I'll be certain to call you."

The Azgardian started to walk to the door, and the clown also stood, glaring at the back of his ridiculous helmet.

"He needs you, you know." Joker shouted. "Just like the Bats needs me."

Loki paused, and The Joker walked closer. "We're the yin to their yang. Why, if we didn't go about killing all of those people, what would they do with their pathetic little lives?"

Joker passed Loki on the way to the door, and slammed an arm across the entry way so that he stood directly in the other's path.

"That wasn't rhetorical." He leaned even closer, although he was forced to look up at the God. "We give their lives meaning, and if we just _stopped_...what. Would. They. _Do_?"

The Joker leaned back and took a playing card out of his jacket pocket and slid it under a leather strap on the Azgardian's armor.

"Here's my uh..._card_. You just let what I said per...cu...late then whaddya say give me a call, _hmmm_?" Joker whispered.

He patted the god's chest once for emphasis, then swirled and ran out the door before Loki could throttle him again.

_Three Days Later..._

The Joker slammed his head against the workbench, which reminded him of that one time with his Bats in the interrogation room, but it didn't summon up any inspiration.

He was bored.

Normally, that meant he'd just go outside and shoot someone, but even that had lost its appeal. He supposed he could just go to Walmart, but he'd already been twice this week. The cashiers had even stopped calling the police.

Only in Gothem could a known supervillian buy baby food, rat poison, and a shovel without the police being alerted.

The clown decided that he'd do it once more, and if some inspiration didn't appear, then he'd just drink some Nyquil and go to sleep.

He slammed his head down onto the wood, and when he looked back up, the room was spinning around a certain green-eyed God of Chaos.

"Eureka!" Joker shrieked.

"The number you gave me was for Dominos." The god snapped.

The Joker shrugged. "Yeah, you look like you're not eating enough. Hell, I bet if you took your shirt off, I could see your ribs through your nipples."

"Don't ever talk about my nipples again."

Joker just laughed, doubling over in his seat from the hysterics.

"I have a job for you." Loki said.

"Wahaha...haha...he...ho...ahhhh." Joker wiped a tear from his eye. "Well look at you, helping out the economy."

"Contact the mob bosses. Tell them they do nothing for a month. Reach out to the ones in New York City too." The god commanded.

The Joker sat up straight and perky. "Does that mean you like my plan?"

"...I could do with a vacation." Loki muttered.

"Ooo! Where're we going?" Joker asked, bouncing out out of his chair.

"_We_ aren't going anywhere." Loki said, pushing him back down.

"Hey, I gotta stay someplace secret too! And listen, if I don't talk to the mob for you, then _you'll_ have to do it _yourself_. And we all know how much patience you have for mortals, sooooooo..." Joker drew out the word, pursing his lips.

The god made a frustrated noise and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Fine."

"Road trip!" The Joker screamed.

"Just shut up and do as you're told. Now and for the rest of the month."

"Yeah, right. Hey, uh...listen. You won't regret this...scout's honor." Joker said.

"You're not a boy scout." Loki replied.

Joker shrugged. "Killed a few though. _That_ counts for something...righ_**t**_?"

Loki didn't answer, and The Joker started giggling again. Batsy would finally see how much they needed each other, and he would get to spend an entire month on an island with a god sexy enough to give even Batman a run for his money.

This was going to be _so much **fun**_.

**A/N: So this is DC and Marvel together, obviously. Because I just think Loki and The Joker go so very well together. Don't try that headbanging thing at home though, because Loki will NOT appear. But my god, if he did though...wouldn't we all just be walking around with head trauma?**

**I'll try to put up chapter two sometime next week, with a bit of Thor/Batman POV to see what they think of their tricksters' antics.**

**This is only rated T due to lack of sexual situations. I hate it when fics get bumped all the way up to M just because of one F bomb. I may add some more adult content in ch 2 or 3 though, so the rating may still go up. Until then, T.**

**Also, if you leave a review, you get to choose who you want to reply to it: Loki or The Joker. I have to warn you though, they are bad, bad men, and they will likely mock you.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any form of Batman or the Avengers.**


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